i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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