New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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