I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
