i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
