hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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