I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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