I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
