Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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