i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
