im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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