Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
