Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
