so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
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I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
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