Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
