there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
