how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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