Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
