Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
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You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
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After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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