I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
