I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
