I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
