oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
