I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i think i scared a bird with my dick
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
