I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
