The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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