my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Fuck appropriateness.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
