there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
