Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
you had me at cake vodka
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
