Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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