May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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