The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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