i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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