My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
