Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
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Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
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Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.