The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.