I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
