My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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