I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
please don't ironically join a cult
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