I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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