Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
