Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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