He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
