Life is so much better after having sex.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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