Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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