I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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