I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
where are my eyebrows?
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