I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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