I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
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My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
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I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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