This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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