he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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