paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
