Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
