I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
