...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood