she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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