bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Plan B is the new Plan A
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
