Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
