im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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