my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
