So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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