i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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